The Attack of the Aunties

Its Eid day. You expect to wake up to a great day, there's excitment it's like Christmas for Muslims, minus the santa claus story and the tree. Instead we start of our day by going to morning prayers and that is where the aunties come in. *play cheesy horror music*

An Aunty is basically someone you would think of as someone who you dont really know, but your parents know, so basically your parent's friends, specifically the older female friends. You are always expected to smile and oblige with any command they throw your way. They dont sound so bad do they? Allow me to prove my point

I just thought I would provide a little background before I got into the specifics of the Aunty phenomenon that takes place within our brown culture. The reason why I chose to describe their behavior during Eid is because we have another Eid coming up shortly and Im expecting a few things from Aunties and hoping to get a few good laughs out of it.

Now back to the story, Its Eid day and I headed towards the mosque for prayers, now being a guy I probably miss all the good stuff, seeing these aunties live in action, but I still get to see and hear about it a lot since a lot of my friends belong to the opposite gender who spend most of the mosque time on the other side of the wall. So I walk into the mosque and the first aunty that sees me, first looks at my mom walking in and I smirked as I noticed her "check out" my mom and her clothes to judge how well she wore it or if she thinks my mom is keeping with the latest trends or not. Its soo obvious, any aunties that are reading this right now, which I highly doubt, but if they are, your brief 2 min stare and smirk right after really gives it away and when they get the satisfaction of knowing they are better dressed then they deny having any negative thoughts like that. COME ON! you are better off telling me that you used to be a man and had a sex change before marriage... which now that i think about it is sort of true for some aunties. (hint: i dont care how old you are, dude having a moustache or hairy arms is just not cool, I'm sorry but there are standards and yes beggars can be choosers, not that i would ever try to mack on an aunty)

Now before everyone else frowns let me tell you why i made that assumption about that aunty judging my mom, it is due to this conversation and walking in when aunties have been chatting it up with eachother thinking nobody is listening, or maybe its soo natural to them they dont care anymore...

Asad: Aunty! Here is the glass of water you asked me to get you.
Aunty: *not paying attention and talking to another aunty* Did you see Shahida's Kurta? Its so
mediocre, poor woman! she has no style, i have no idea she would wear something like
that
Aunty 2: Its okay yaar we shouldnt say anything like that, some people just cant help it.
Asad: *thinking* Jeez! now she's gonna blame her bad fashion sense on genetics? whats next?
are they going to blame farting on genetics too? oh shit she farted, ohh its okay its okay
she cant help it just suck it in and pretend like nothing happened...
Aunty: Oh thankyou beta for the water, may you live a long life, you look good today beta
Asad: thankyou aunty! *walking away and thinking* Do I really look good or did she just say
that to me right now so she can make fun of me later with the other aunty...

SEE! you see why aunties are evil, because now i started thinking like them, they had me worried about whether or not I looked presentable enough or not, I mean usually i wouldnt care if i was walking around in my pyjamas but they had me worried! I always thought i was strong with these things, but i guess not, so beware!

I think this is a trait that is being passed on to the younger generation as well... and that my friends is a scary scary thought...

This is back in high school when i came into class i used to sit next to this blonde fashion-obsessed girl, so i came in like usual said hey and went about taking out my books when suddenly i heard...

Girl: OMG! what the hell is she doing?
Asad: huh? *thinking there's a fight and deciding that I would let it happen but stop it when
I've fulfilled the satisfaction of seeing a catfight*
Girl: Look at her jacket, its all fur! I mean does she think she looks hot in that?
Asad: Ummm are you okay? *thinking, DAMN! no fight....yet*
Girl: Asad, I wanna punch her, look at the way she's walking in thinking she's all that
Asad: Hey go for it man, you know I've got your back *thinking WOW its gonna happen :D*
Girl: Honestly, I dont even want to look at her right now, she's just pissing me off
Asad: Umm why is she pissing you off? let her wear what she wants, who cares man... *thinkin
okay she's a talker, she wont do anything... no fight! oh well...*
Girl: Ughhhh, some people are just too much right Asad?
Asad: Hey Im not about to disagree with you, Im just a little scared that I might have an
"accident" with your pencil and my eye.
Girl: Watever!


Okay now there's something seriously wrong about that, that person right there even though she wasnt brown was an aunty in the making... which leads me to think are all girls like that? well to some extent I do realize that they really notice the way other people dress up or did their hair or makeup... the end really is near.

I mean you ask me what I think about a girl at some party and my reply will probably be along the lines of, "She seems like a nice person, didnt get to talk to her much though so I cant say much" Now pop the same question to a girl and it's like "OMG did you see her makeup she looked like she went to a face-painter before she came here..." point proven...

You'll never catch me reciting anything along those lines... Can you imagine if that happened? I think I would probably move into a cave and accept isolation all my life... okay maybe not that extreme, lets just assume that normal people would still exist... but for shits and giggles lets stretch the imagination a little bit...

(disclaimer: I AM IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, an aunty this following dialogue is made up and purely for entertainment purposes only it does not have any underlying suggestive characteristic traits about me)

Asad: OMG! Saad look at that guy! look at the way he shaves, his line beard is so crooked, is he
trying to act cool? I mean what is he trying to prove with his beard, that he's topshit all of
a sudden?
Saad: I know! and look at the way he's smiling thinking he looks good
Asad: Yeah, what a loser
Saad: Lets go have some ice-cream and talk about it all night
Asad: Oooh can we have some chocolate too?
Saad: CHOCOLATE ICE-CREAM
Asad: OMG I cant wait, that loser is so going down tonite
Saad: SUPER!

okay enough! I felt my manhood eroding slowly as I neared the end of that little dialogue...

Back to Aunties, so not only will they judge right away but then its spread amongst all their friends and hey before you know it everyone is talking about you, but the aunty is still the nicest person to you. Two-faced is the word.

Aunty 1: *Talking to gossip fueled audience*What a bitch! she cant even wash dishes properly,
I saw water stains on her plate the other day.. so disgusting!
Victim: HI GUYS!
Aunty 1: OMG! HII *hug* Where have you been? Wow have you lost weight?
*Victim smiles and responds and walks away*
Aunty1: That Stupid bitch thinking im her friend...how can she even think that? loser! *giggle*

WOW... what else do you want her to think? a person comes to me smiles says hi and hugs me am I supposed to consider her my enemy and hit that poor greeter over the head with frying pan in self defense? A pre-emptive strike like our hollow headed friend Mr. Bush heading the USA. Maybe he was an aunty that never really had the sex change.... get to work all you conspiracy theorists!

So for the final thought, I would like to propose a project... a De-Auntization project where Aunties will be given testosterone to make them indifferent to the fashion choices and the personal lives of their "friends". Haha but one drawback to that is that the testosterone might cause them to stop caring about personal hygiene and I think there will be a lot more farting in public... hmm maybe its not such a great idea after all, I guess I can bear with the all the negative points in an effort to gain a little personal hygiene and some manners, fair trade? thats something for you to decide on your own.

So the next time you're out for a jog and you see an Aunty in a kurta shalwar and running shoes, make sure you stop and say Hi, ask her hows she's doing, compliment her on her weight and be on your way. If you're a guy thats the perfect way to interact with these rather reactive species but if you're a woman, well thats just TNT right there, so might as well turn around and run the other way.

One last piece of advice for guys: Dont get too friendly or you'll hear about a proposal pretty soon from that very aunty that you were just trying to play safe with so if you're not married and have a hot girlfriend, life is good! dont ruin it!

Deranged Arranged Marriages

Its hard to discard the everyday conversations that i have with my parents. Gotta love em, now to people who dont have brown parents, our regular conversations would seem really funny, for example...

I had exams for the past two weeks, so being lazy i didnt shave or cut my hair, i looked like a hair ball with eyes... well not that ugly but you get the point, so after exams being the normal human being i am i decided to shave, and a very amusing conversation with my mother followed soon after.

Mom: HOLD ON! where are you going?
Asad: umm to the grocery store, you just asked me to get you some bread
mom: yeah but why did you shave and when did you get a haircut?
Asad: uhh because i wanted to look normal again and not so fuzzy
Mom: come upstairs i want to take a look at you
Asad: mom i dont have time for this...
Mom: come here right now!
Asad: *now thinking she was serious i decided to oblige to avoid from getting yelled at*
Mom: hmm you have cologne on, why?
Asad: i just took a shower, changed my clothes and wanted to smell nice
Mom: hmmmm
Asad: you know what mom, just say it, i know what you're going to say...
Mom: what? i didnt say anything?
Asad: *rolls eyes*
Mom: Asad, are you going out with someone? who is the girl? please son you dont
know these girls they dont love you, they want your money, they'll put some
weird charge on you saying that you've done something to them and then
you'll be left with nothing.
Asad: Mom, im not rich i have nothing, and no im not dating anyone... relax
Mom: yeah i know i trust you...just telling you about girls.

So i finally left to go get some bread after the intense interrogation, haha but i was thinking about what she said last... i trust you, hahaha such a bold lie. haha i have no idea why my parents worry so much about me running behind their back and trying to get married, do i look like a bollywood star? i mean i cant even joke about things like that...

Mom: why are you wearing that yellow bracelet?
Asad: its to support cancer victims
Mom: huh? i didnt hear you, what did you say?
Asad: *trying to be funny* my girlfriend and i decided that we're going to get married and so we
both decided that we'd give eachother bracelets until we can afford rings.
Mom: haha very funny, tell me whats it for
Asad: ( i didnt say a word, just looked at her and smiled)
Mom: OMG! asad what are you doing? did you seriously do it? what does she look
like? is she shia?
Asad: haha relax! im joking
Mom: take off that bracelet right now!
Asad: why?
Mom: just do it...
Asad: mom, dont you trust me?
Mom: Aww son you know i trust you with everything :) .... TAKE IT OFF NOW!

And my yellow cancer support bracelet has been off my hand ever since... i just dont understand it, i mean im like the farthest thing away from marriage... its so much easier for white people they pick someone and its like,

hey mom dad, thats who your daughter in law is gonna be, and they're like cool, grab us a beer on your way out...

See its so much more chillin for white people and anyone else who isnt brown, yeah imagine the day i do something like that, hey mom, dad! look who it is.... its your daughter in law! we're married!

mom: I HAVE NO SON
dad: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS??
Asad: mom, dad relax her name is Samina Bich
Dad: huh? son of a bitch?
Mom: omg! my son married a bitch!
Asad: no no, its Samina Bich she's half croatian, err nevermind anyways i came to tell you guys i
love her and we eloped last week.
Mom: Oh no! hey son, remind me again what do they call divorce in arabic?
Asad: urrm thats kinda random, butt uhh i think its talaaq?
Mom: come again?
Asad: Talaaq!!*
Mom: huh? whats the word
Asad: Talaaq i said talaaq!!
Mom: AHA! you said it three times, she is not your wife anymore, we found you a
new one, beautiful one just came in from pakistan, cooks and everything.
Asad: Okay lets not be dramatic now, this IS my wife guys...
Mom: My God! okay i know what we can do...
Asad: accept her?
Mom: No im not talking to you idiot! ohh you and i will have a talk young man, sit down!
Mom to dad: We'll tell people that she is a sorceress and had our son under a spell and
forced him to marry her because she wants his money...
Asad: what money?
Dad: good idea!
Asad: *shakes his head*

*for those of you guys who are reading this and wondering what talaaq is, when you say it three times for muslims, thats a religious binding divorce

haha its like they are advertising some car or like a new product or something, its funny this whole system of arranged marriages... its like investing in something... where women are treated like property, and the parents of the daughter act like salespeople. It just amazes me how much marrying your daughter off and being a salesman relate to eachother.

Asad's Parents: So your daughter, does she cook and clean? is she educated?
Daughter's parents: Yes yes! 100% you wont be dissapointed.
Asad's Parents: Hmm well depending on her looks and seeing her we'll decide
Daughter's parents: Oh yes, please take your time, Maheen please come in..
*bride walks in*
Asad's parents: wah wah! we'll take her, i mean accept her, she is wonderful!
how much? (literally: cause we usually give dowry to the bride's
parents...)
Asad: umm do i get a say in this man?
Asad's parents: we know whats best for you, now play with your blackberry while
we talk about important things with the uncle and aunty

Now lets take a look at a vendor selling fish in a fish market...

Asad's mom: is this fish clean and gutted? where did you get it from?
Vendor: oh yes yes! 100% try it once and you'll keep coming back
Asad's mom: hmm well lemme see it closely, throw it over here, how much?
Vendor: *throws the fish for inspection*
Asad's mom: hmmm wah wah good quality, okay ill take it!
asad: i dont eat seafood
Asad's mom: shutup! i know whats best for you...

I mean look at the friggin similarity!! its insane
and i mean in keeping with the similarity tradition, shouldnt we be allowed to "try" our investment before we decide to stick with it for life? haha

Like when you're buying fruit, you'll try a grape or two to see how sweet they are...
imagine that,

Asad: so can i check to see if its as good as it sounds?
Father of bride: haha! NO NO! are you crazy? wait till you get married, and then check the shit
out of it, i made the one you're marrying, it should give you about 2 or 3 more...
so dont worry you made a good choice, they usually last a long time too...
Asad: you've gotta be kidding me....

So i guess this topic that started out with my parents' conversation, ended up in my thoughts about marriage, not very different topics to be fair, when you talk about brown parents you gotta mention marriage atleast once haha

But i got some advice for all you brown kids out there, take your chances, fall in love, get a date to prom, need an excuse? lie about sleeping over at Abdul or Sana's house its as easy as that, chances are that the girl wont feel like property and the hardcore heavy metal guy wont feel like he's stuck with a backstreet boys CD all his life...

I plan to bring a wife home to my parents, lets just hope they dont read this blog before i do...

Cheers!