The Attack of the Aunties

Its Eid day. You expect to wake up to a great day, there's excitment it's like Christmas for Muslims, minus the santa claus story and the tree. Instead we start of our day by going to morning prayers and that is where the aunties come in. *play cheesy horror music*

An Aunty is basically someone you would think of as someone who you dont really know, but your parents know, so basically your parent's friends, specifically the older female friends. You are always expected to smile and oblige with any command they throw your way. They dont sound so bad do they? Allow me to prove my point

I just thought I would provide a little background before I got into the specifics of the Aunty phenomenon that takes place within our brown culture. The reason why I chose to describe their behavior during Eid is because we have another Eid coming up shortly and Im expecting a few things from Aunties and hoping to get a few good laughs out of it.

Now back to the story, Its Eid day and I headed towards the mosque for prayers, now being a guy I probably miss all the good stuff, seeing these aunties live in action, but I still get to see and hear about it a lot since a lot of my friends belong to the opposite gender who spend most of the mosque time on the other side of the wall. So I walk into the mosque and the first aunty that sees me, first looks at my mom walking in and I smirked as I noticed her "check out" my mom and her clothes to judge how well she wore it or if she thinks my mom is keeping with the latest trends or not. Its soo obvious, any aunties that are reading this right now, which I highly doubt, but if they are, your brief 2 min stare and smirk right after really gives it away and when they get the satisfaction of knowing they are better dressed then they deny having any negative thoughts like that. COME ON! you are better off telling me that you used to be a man and had a sex change before marriage... which now that i think about it is sort of true for some aunties. (hint: i dont care how old you are, dude having a moustache or hairy arms is just not cool, I'm sorry but there are standards and yes beggars can be choosers, not that i would ever try to mack on an aunty)

Now before everyone else frowns let me tell you why i made that assumption about that aunty judging my mom, it is due to this conversation and walking in when aunties have been chatting it up with eachother thinking nobody is listening, or maybe its soo natural to them they dont care anymore...

Asad: Aunty! Here is the glass of water you asked me to get you.
Aunty: *not paying attention and talking to another aunty* Did you see Shahida's Kurta? Its so
mediocre, poor woman! she has no style, i have no idea she would wear something like
that
Aunty 2: Its okay yaar we shouldnt say anything like that, some people just cant help it.
Asad: *thinking* Jeez! now she's gonna blame her bad fashion sense on genetics? whats next?
are they going to blame farting on genetics too? oh shit she farted, ohh its okay its okay
she cant help it just suck it in and pretend like nothing happened...
Aunty: Oh thankyou beta for the water, may you live a long life, you look good today beta
Asad: thankyou aunty! *walking away and thinking* Do I really look good or did she just say
that to me right now so she can make fun of me later with the other aunty...

SEE! you see why aunties are evil, because now i started thinking like them, they had me worried about whether or not I looked presentable enough or not, I mean usually i wouldnt care if i was walking around in my pyjamas but they had me worried! I always thought i was strong with these things, but i guess not, so beware!

I think this is a trait that is being passed on to the younger generation as well... and that my friends is a scary scary thought...

This is back in high school when i came into class i used to sit next to this blonde fashion-obsessed girl, so i came in like usual said hey and went about taking out my books when suddenly i heard...

Girl: OMG! what the hell is she doing?
Asad: huh? *thinking there's a fight and deciding that I would let it happen but stop it when
I've fulfilled the satisfaction of seeing a catfight*
Girl: Look at her jacket, its all fur! I mean does she think she looks hot in that?
Asad: Ummm are you okay? *thinking, DAMN! no fight....yet*
Girl: Asad, I wanna punch her, look at the way she's walking in thinking she's all that
Asad: Hey go for it man, you know I've got your back *thinking WOW its gonna happen :D*
Girl: Honestly, I dont even want to look at her right now, she's just pissing me off
Asad: Umm why is she pissing you off? let her wear what she wants, who cares man... *thinkin
okay she's a talker, she wont do anything... no fight! oh well...*
Girl: Ughhhh, some people are just too much right Asad?
Asad: Hey Im not about to disagree with you, Im just a little scared that I might have an
"accident" with your pencil and my eye.
Girl: Watever!


Okay now there's something seriously wrong about that, that person right there even though she wasnt brown was an aunty in the making... which leads me to think are all girls like that? well to some extent I do realize that they really notice the way other people dress up or did their hair or makeup... the end really is near.

I mean you ask me what I think about a girl at some party and my reply will probably be along the lines of, "She seems like a nice person, didnt get to talk to her much though so I cant say much" Now pop the same question to a girl and it's like "OMG did you see her makeup she looked like she went to a face-painter before she came here..." point proven...

You'll never catch me reciting anything along those lines... Can you imagine if that happened? I think I would probably move into a cave and accept isolation all my life... okay maybe not that extreme, lets just assume that normal people would still exist... but for shits and giggles lets stretch the imagination a little bit...

(disclaimer: I AM IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, an aunty this following dialogue is made up and purely for entertainment purposes only it does not have any underlying suggestive characteristic traits about me)

Asad: OMG! Saad look at that guy! look at the way he shaves, his line beard is so crooked, is he
trying to act cool? I mean what is he trying to prove with his beard, that he's topshit all of
a sudden?
Saad: I know! and look at the way he's smiling thinking he looks good
Asad: Yeah, what a loser
Saad: Lets go have some ice-cream and talk about it all night
Asad: Oooh can we have some chocolate too?
Saad: CHOCOLATE ICE-CREAM
Asad: OMG I cant wait, that loser is so going down tonite
Saad: SUPER!

okay enough! I felt my manhood eroding slowly as I neared the end of that little dialogue...

Back to Aunties, so not only will they judge right away but then its spread amongst all their friends and hey before you know it everyone is talking about you, but the aunty is still the nicest person to you. Two-faced is the word.

Aunty 1: *Talking to gossip fueled audience*What a bitch! she cant even wash dishes properly,
I saw water stains on her plate the other day.. so disgusting!
Victim: HI GUYS!
Aunty 1: OMG! HII *hug* Where have you been? Wow have you lost weight?
*Victim smiles and responds and walks away*
Aunty1: That Stupid bitch thinking im her friend...how can she even think that? loser! *giggle*

WOW... what else do you want her to think? a person comes to me smiles says hi and hugs me am I supposed to consider her my enemy and hit that poor greeter over the head with frying pan in self defense? A pre-emptive strike like our hollow headed friend Mr. Bush heading the USA. Maybe he was an aunty that never really had the sex change.... get to work all you conspiracy theorists!

So for the final thought, I would like to propose a project... a De-Auntization project where Aunties will be given testosterone to make them indifferent to the fashion choices and the personal lives of their "friends". Haha but one drawback to that is that the testosterone might cause them to stop caring about personal hygiene and I think there will be a lot more farting in public... hmm maybe its not such a great idea after all, I guess I can bear with the all the negative points in an effort to gain a little personal hygiene and some manners, fair trade? thats something for you to decide on your own.

So the next time you're out for a jog and you see an Aunty in a kurta shalwar and running shoes, make sure you stop and say Hi, ask her hows she's doing, compliment her on her weight and be on your way. If you're a guy thats the perfect way to interact with these rather reactive species but if you're a woman, well thats just TNT right there, so might as well turn around and run the other way.

One last piece of advice for guys: Dont get too friendly or you'll hear about a proposal pretty soon from that very aunty that you were just trying to play safe with so if you're not married and have a hot girlfriend, life is good! dont ruin it!