The Love Doctor

I have noticed a lot of relationships going on lately among our fellow brown people, (yes brown people date, we are not promised to random babies of the opposite sex as soon as we're born) I just had to provide that little bit of info for the more uninformed crowd that might be reading this and absorb their cultural know-how about brown people from Apu in the simpsons.

So Brown people are dating! Its a great thing, its wonderful actually because now they get to know eachother properly but its such a big problem actually dating a brown girl. I raised this topic with one of the people that I work with and he's much older than I am, he's about 40 something and happily married, he shares his stories with me about when he was younger. So we were talking about that topic and somehow I ended up asking him what I would say to a girl if I wanted her to know that I liked her you know to date, nothing more, just dating and we'll see where it goes from there kinda thing and he stopped me right there,

Uncle: Asad! No, once you date a brown girl you have to marry her
Asad: HUH? So I have like 10 marriages due? hahhaa (kidding)
Uncle: How far have you gone?
Asad: Umm what kind of a question is that?
Uncle: You have to go back to those girls that you dated and try to work out it to marry them
Asad: WHOA! buddy calm down I didnt do anything.
Uncle: Okay, well when you want to trap a girl in your net, (yes he actually said that) you have to look into her eyes and tell her how much you love her, how much she means to you, how the world is nothing without her and that she is so beautiful and you want to marry her
Asad: relax there romeo, I said date not marry!
Uncle: Its the same thing...

So I got some pretty pathetic advice from that guy, but probably because he was older and is bollywood influenced or something cause come on, imagine I actually used his advice..

Asad: Hey Sadia!
Sadia: Hey! How'd you know my name?
Asad: *staring into her eyes* I LOVE YOU, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL MARRY ME!
Sadia: *takes out pepper spray* DIE BITCH!
Asad: *on the floor* but I love you dont run awayyy pleasee!
Sadia: LOVE THIS! *kicks Asad's -wizzerwop- area*

Yeah nothing is going to happen for you if you try that, for all you guys looking for some love advice please DONT try that the girl probably wont be as psycho but will definately run away.

Plus for all the guys that are starting out or are planning on dating a brown girl please remember that you have to hide it from your parents, for all you younger generation punks out there, you cannot, i repeat CANNOT let your parents find out... jeez I would hate to be that kid introducing my girlfriend to the parents..

Asad: Mom, Dad, this is Amna and I LOVE HER there isn't anything you can do about it!
(I had to add a little bit of bollywood, come on now we all like some masala ;))
Dad: Is that right?
Asad: Yes!
Dad: Beta, Amna its best that you go home right now...
Amna: *scared* Runs away...
Asad: come back!! bewafaaaa (betrayer)
Dad: Asad, beta, she wasn't worth it anyway, let me introduce you to this other girlfriend
*takes off belt*
Asad: uh-oh, looks like its going to be a one-sided relationship dad
Dad: I haven't worked out in weeks, time to get back into shape, you care so much about my health beta!

So see you got a broken arm and bruises all over and you had to lie to everyone about how you fell down the stairs and hurt yourself so the cops don't come and take you away from the parents. Just not worth it! So learn to lie and please hold off on the marrying and love you crap because its just going to bring you closer to becoming a bollywood freak... or the guy working with me.

Take it one day at a time and hey if the progress in the relationship continues go for it and ask her to marry you, but that doesnt mean you get to know her, say hi to her on the first day and propose on the second day... no no no, remember Asad and the -wizzerwop- yeah! dont try that...

Here is something that is guaranteed to work no matter what, as long as you tell your parents you are going to go "study" you're in the clear. It works anywhere, anytime!

Parents: Asad come on go to Toronto with us? why do you want to stay home alone?
Asad: Because im tired...
Parents: NO! you are coming with us no matter what!
Asad: But im soo tired and I have so much to study
Parents: Study? Why didnt you say so? Its okay beta study hard and become a doctor!
Asad: Yes Ammi and Abbu I will
Parents: *talking to eachother* Our son studies so much
Asad: *smiles*
*Parents leave for Toronto*
Asad: *on the phone* Hey Amna wanna come over? Lets watch a movie!

Seeee how easy it is!

Wow now that i've been promoting dating and giving out tips im going to be on the hit list for most parents. haha can you imagine if you went to your local mosque and you saw a huge "wanted" picture of me with a reward of a bun kabab sponsored by lahore tikka house. Hey that day might not be too far...

here's some sample headlines from the news if i was to become famous like that haha

ASAD ON THE LOOSE! PROTECT YOUR TEENAGERS!

ASAD WIDELY READ AMONG YOUNG TEENS! A SIGN OF THE APOCOLYPSE?

DEATH RATE AMONG TEENAGERS HIGH AS PARENTS LOSE CONTROL

BELT SALES AT AN ALL TIME HIGH!

ASAD FOUND IN A CAVE WITH LAPTOP!

ASAD HYPNOTIZED AND SENT TO CORRECTIONAL FACILITY

ASAD RELEASED AND HAPPILY ARRANGED MARRIED!

Okay enough of the weird headlines haha its late and im on Nyquill because I have been really sick lately so im drowsyyy

but last advice for all you guys and girls out there, use the study excuse get out more, explore the world and seriously, make more friends of the opposite sex and have a much more open mind towards relationships, and im not saying that every girl-guy relationship has to end in a dating relationship there are some great friendships to be discovered as well! Explore! Because if Pakistani guys don't, they tend to mistake a smile as an acceptance of a proposal and the next thing you know is the guy is coming to your house with his parents and some laddo.

And whatever you do dont ask for advice from older Pakistani people about dating, because yeah we all know how bad it hurts down there...